Good and bad me

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I have been analysing my weaknesses a lot on this blog, so I thought today let me brag a little bit. As in the good things people have said about me from time to time.

Early this year I received an award for good performance, which earned me many enemies within and outside the department. Some thought I did not deserve the award, some thought they deserved it more than me, and so on. So award earned me many enemies. But a few good friends made comments which touched my heart so sharing

-Many people do hard work in company, but there are few people who do it with a smile. You are one of the latter, so well-deserved award. Genuine praise this brought more smiles on my face. I admire and respect this senior person a lot because of his nature. I like his working principle, or say conflict-conversation principle, that never raise your voice and never let smile fade away from your face, then you can say anything you want to other person, without complicating things further. True that. (SA)

-Another senior lady officer remarked- After many years I feel the award has gone to a deserving person. She is a firebrand lady and most people avoid rubbing her the wrong way. Coming from her it meant a lot. Specially considering that even I was starting to doubt the importance of the award, when my name was recommended three times earlier, but other people got the award. Some of them were really good, but not all. (TU)

-My happy friend remarked that it has restored my trust in the system. Kool. I know she is one of the rare persons who would have been happy for me, inspite of she not getting the award herself. At least I think so. She has called me a saint many a times, when I do some foolish sentimental shit at times. And that after working for some more years with me, she will also become calm and patient like me. She did not mean it as a compliment though. Well, rightly so, since I think of her as my assertiveness guru. Trying to learn and observe her from this angle, though she is 10 years younger than me. But age should not be a bar when it comes to learning from people. Let us see how assertive I can become. She has also said that people don’t realise my good intentions and doubt my motives. That also felt good. Well at least I have a colleague who I can completely trust and who can be and is my sounding board on office matters. (SS)

-Another very senior officer remarked that there are many such occasions but only on few occasions, you feel glad and happy. This is one of them. Such specific compliments do make your day. (KK)

-Last but not the least, my ex-boss, whose many bad habits I have mentioned in my earlier posts. But I do feel from heart that it was he who persistently tried for my award and made it possible, even after he had left the department. I shall always be grateful to him for this and the fact that he is the one who single-handedly built up my image as a competent executive by giving me exposure.

-My present boss also did not hamper me getting the award by signing the award nomination form. So I am grateful to him, though next year the best performer has been downgraded to high performer by the same boss. So award proved a curse for me in that sense, as boss might have thought that he got award last year, so let us downgrade him this year. Though I have thought of other possible reasons for my downgrading also like

I did not adjust with my immediate superior (though in my view he is more to blame, my problem was not sucking up) so he might have influenced the grading by talking and bitching about me to top boss. Though he did give me okay marks and did not screw my appraisal.

I did not prioritise jobs in tune with big boss which I see other people doing. I had my own priorities, foolish me. I am trying to correct that problem.

I gave more exposure to my team at my own cost. I let them go to big boss for different jobs. So maybe boss thought they are doing all the work and I am not doing anything. Well I will still keep on doing that but will find ways to showcase my role also.

I got to know through rumour mill that I was being seen as a person who delegates all jobs to juniors and does not do anything himself. So more close to above point. Working on it. Need to correct perception about me.

I am seen as protege of ex-boss and close to him. Ex-boss also aggravates the problem by involving me in complicated jobs where our department is concerned. So this I can not avoid even if I want to. Though I have tried to convey to my big boss that my loyalties are to the organisation and not to anybody else.

Oops, I ended up criticising me again.

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