Unspoken Words

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Today happy friend was coming towards my seat to keep something in the fridge kept near my table. And greedy, glutton me, I was so obvious in staring at her tiffin-box, half-hoping that she had brought something for me to eat, as she many a time brings. My eyes salivated it seems and she guessed. With the smart presence of mind she has, she promptly said that she had brought home-made sweet and my share was also in the same box, I was almost crest-fallen for my shamelessness.

And this happens at other times too. And it is all involuntary and unintentional, though there must be some subconscious need or latent feeling. At times, when I am having meals at home, suddenly I start comparing the portion sizes with me and wife. I would love her to have more and more food as she is almost half my weight. But such stupid momentous comparison confuses me. Hope she does not catch me doing this, or maybe she does.

Females have this uncanny power of sensing when they are being stared at from behind or sideways. I have seen it happen with so many men when they get darting quick glances from women they were staring. So I am doubly careful in not doing that,  I mean not staring at the assets most of the time. But one thing which confuses me here also is when some women start covering their cleavage/bosoms by buttoning, hand-gesture or stoles in front of me, even when I am not looking in that direction at all. I convince myself that it is their natural habit and they are not doing it as a reaction to me. But at times it is so embarrassing when even cousins do it. I feel like shit, even though I am 500 % sure that I was not even thinking that way, leave aside looking. Any clues? BTW a related question, what is the motive of women wearing deep cut clothes, low-waist clothes, revealing clothes or skin-hugging clothes. I am not advocating that this should arouse dirty desires in the minds of men. But harmlessly (pure or pious, if you may) admiring glances are okay, and do they want that . I won’t know, will keep guessing.

Other unspoken words are the facial expressions. I have seen people change like chameleon within seconds. But I don’t seem to have that skill. When boss asks something, and I am not in favour of it, my facial expression changes. And he notes it. One day he asked me point-blank, why you don’t like it. Can anybody teach me how to hide emotions or not have them, but that will be too much to ask.

Second problem is the irritation and frustration that enters my tone, when a person talks bullshit in person or over phone. This is specially difficult, when my  seniors do it and then they sense the change in my tone or roughness of my tone. At 42, I need to learn a lot and change a lot.

Yesterday only my boss was trying to act smart, and calling me big-boss in a satirical way. I snapped and replied back in the same tone. Other colleagues also noticed the sudden change in my tone and told me so later. What to do.

There is this junior who predicts what boss will say in the event of a likely happening, and when it does happen and we are in front of the boss, the smile/laughter that erupts is always difficult to explain to boss.

Another peculiar thing I have noticed about myself is that when a junior does something which I don’t like very much, and he asks my permission for it, like say leaving early after coming late, my tone again changes and I always reply in a curt and sharp way, with my eyes lowered and not meeting his eyes. Is that my way of suppressing anger, or controlling my emotions, or giving okay under pressure. Can’t say.

Such is the world of unspoken words.

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