Many a times I feel that I am very narrow-minded. Though I put on the mask of being very cool, casual but on some days even small things make me upset.
For example, losing a pen which might have cost Rs. 10 makes me look for it everywhere. Though I have not got upset in the past even over losing gold worth thousand times more than that.
A seemingly small privilege to a colleague, like training, better seat, recognition makes me upset. When it happens to most of the colleagues it is still palatable, but when it happens with people I like and call my trusted friends, this should not happen. I say to them I am happy in your happiness, and 99 % of the times I am. But I don’t know why on some occasions, if HOD gives them some preference, I feel hurt. This is a strange paradox. I am not able to conclude why I am upset. Maybe I am upset with HOD and not colleague, maybe I am upset with me not getting that privilege, but then how can it be that I am happy for my happy friend, zero jealousy , but still upset. Funny me.
I claim that I have almost full control over my mind, but when I get to know what bad things people are saying about me on my back, I remain upset internally for 3-4 days. It may not be visible on seeing me, but I am upset, which I should not be. The most immediate urge is to go to those persons and confront them, but then who ever has confided me will be exposed, and his trust in me shall be finished. SO inspite of huge temptation, I resist the urge.
Then there is this ex-boss. He did some good things for me, but was a bad boss. He always grew at my cost. Now that he is becoming friendly with my happy friend, I am upset. WTF. Happy friend has his own life, he is not bound to like whom I like and hate whom I do. But still knowing this I get upset. I need to do something about me. Same happy friend shared a lot with me about what our boss had to say about me, all bad things. I trust my happy friend 100 %, so I know he is not lying. So I know and friend knows that boss hates me. After this fact when I see happy friend being friendly with boss, I get upset. I hate this about myself. Why can’t I internalise that the happy friend could know all bad things boss said about me, because boss could tell him. So there is nothing wrong at all, but I feel entirely unnecessarily possessive. Maybe writing it down will cleanse my system, and help me come out of this mental mess. And ya this has nothing to do with gender preference, because when I see happy friend talking to other people of opposite gender, I am not bothered. Just two bosses-ex and present.
As if by telepathy my happy friend got to know of my predicament, and in the afternoon, he remarked I don’t want the coveted seat. Don’t know why but i turned the tables, and initiated a leg-pulling session in the group insisting that the friend deserves the seat. Call it sadism, hypocrisy, self-realization, actualization, internalization or whatever. After writing the top half of this post and venting my feelings out, I had aniways understood my folly, but after this session, my heart was again full of understandable compassion for my friend and now I am genuinely happy for him, whether or not he gets the seat. This is the ideal state I want to be in always.
I hope I can come out of this situation where I need to tell myself again and again that he has his own life.